Third Time Offender

Last week I attended a conference;  went to meetings, met new people, and your life story tends to surface in those polite back and forth conversations.

"Where do you work?"

"How many children do you have?"

"Wow, that is a big age gap between your first and second"

 

And then the conversation turns into an explanation of why my first born is ten years older than my second (while the third was a close runner-up).  I then have a "duty" to explain the marriage that resulted in the outcome of my almost 23 year old son, was from a previous union.  Which leaves me to ponder, should I reveal, that prior to husband #2, there was a husband #1 (at a ridiculous young age) and now I am on #3 (hence, 3rd time offender)?

Is it an "offence" in the traditional sense of committing a crime?  I definitely have (and do) feel that sense of failure and shame that I couldn't hold it together to endure the test of time.  As I was struggling with this, on my twitter feed this article popped up. 

 

The Inconvenient Truth About Love - And Divorce 

http://ideas.ted.com/the-inconvenient-truth-about-love-and-divorce/?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=t.co&utm_content=talk&utm_term=social-science

The Teller's examine and provoke the "norm" of guilt and shame when it relates to the end of a marriage.  "Guilt, shame and a sense of failure significantly raise the emotional cost of divorce." They give Gwyneth Paltrow's example of her self-prescribed "Conscious Uncoupling" when her marriage unravelled - and I had to admit that I was one of those "WTF" responders to this new definition, I had a sense of relief that this possibly gave way to a method of "no blame" and acceptance that sometimes love cannot endure. 

The ending of a marriage results in a myriad of issues and complications - perhaps if we all judged less and stopped promoting the current adversarial methods, we would have a society that understood the pain and process of all dealing with or who have dealt with a divorce in their lives.

I will leave you with another quote from the Teller's "let's imagine a world where empathy and support trump old fashioned concepts." I think this translates to many aspects of our culture.

Be kind and don't judge, xo vagi